The title is misleading.

You thought I was going to tell you how skipping the gym would make you super cool and nifty—not to mention slim, trim, and Heidi Klum. Nope. Basically, I’m sick; and I blame the creepy, sweaty guy who feigned friendliness by relinquishing the Stairmaster when he was actually and deliberately spreading the bubonic plague. Yes: that guy was the monkey from Outbreak, starring Dustin Hoffman, and he was really sweaty. Now, I’m really sick.

With that in mind, this Fitness Friday is dedicated to staying healthy while getting fit.

Step 1: Treasure your towel. If the world’s grossest person just got off the elliptical, don’t use your own towel to sanitize the handles (P.S. don’t use the handles, they don’t do anything). Wipe those things down with paper towels and disinfectant spray. If you use your own towel, you’re extra likely to wipe your face 10 minutes in and inadvertently put someone else’s sweat directly into your eye sockets. Just saying.

Step 2: Eye your pod. You can meticulously wipe down the machinery, but if your ear buds are dangling in a pool of sweat as you prep or your nano is resting in a nest of gum, you’re basically licking the person who was there before you. Wash your hands as often as possible and avoid lifting your music player to change songs or check the time. My advice: create a playlist that’ll not only keep you entertained but also help you keep track of time. (For example: Britney Spears’ 3 is exactly 3 minutes and 33 seconds long; so if it plays thrice it’s been about 10 minutes)

Step 3: Lay down the law—or at least your towel. Those yoga mats may look all comfy and friendly, but they’re not. Think about it; you’re sweating, the person before you was sweating, your pores are all open, and now you’re downward dogging all up in their perspiration. This towel isn’t big enough for the both of us.

Step 4: Don’t lick the water fountain. That one’s pretty self-explanatory.

I’m about to chug some Nyquil; but I hope those of you who don’t feel like they were hit by a truck have a good night!

Sincerely,

Richy T. –I’m too cranky for an icon, but I’ll have something fun for you on Monday; I promise.